Hello Life, Chaos Be Thy Name

For a number of reasons, this has been a particularly stressful and emotional week. Admittedly, more than a fare share of it has been unleashed by my own hand. That is, in fact, the way it goes on occasion.

Fortunately, Thursdays are actually my Fridays. I am one of the lucky few who is able telecommute and work from home on Fridays.

So, this afternoon I abandoned the office with a big smile and much relief.

It was short lived.

Traffic was horrific (more so than usual). Moments after leaving the office I remembered that I forgot to run by the ladies' room on my way out and I was pressed for time to pick up the four-year-old from day school.

Good news, though, I did make it with just minutes to spare, but due to my tardiness, did not have time to avail myself of the facilities.

After I collected the precocious child and as we continued the drive home she asked if we could take the "long way" around.

Now, the long way home involves just a few more miles and entering the lane to the subdivision from the opposite direction.

The purpose of taking the long way home is to avail oneself of the undulating hills from ascent to descent. If one only slightly exceeds the posted speed limit by ten or more miles per hour, one can experience the momentary thrill of feeling airborne by "flying" over the top of one hill followed by the rapid approach of yet another and another.

I have to admit, it is kind of fun and from a very early age, my younger child has always referred to these events as Wahoos. Since the time she could speak, I've heard from the back seat: "Wahoo, Mommy, Wahoo?!

Seduced by the double demon of speed and Wahoo, I succumbed to my inner child and mentally checked off the list of possible problems with this proposition:

Wet roads? Nope.

School buses? Nope.

High traffic area? Nope.

Possible pedestrians? No way.

All I heard in my head was: "Houston, launch is clear. Let the countdown commence."

Then, "Five, Four, Three, Two, One...WAHOO!"

What I did not expect to see or hear was a County Mounty at the base of the second hill hit his sirens the moment we launched over one of those hills.

Crap, crap, double crap.

I pulled over and before I could completely roll my window down, Mr. Officer was stooped over and asking me: "What is the rush, ma'am?"

Before I could think of anything even remotely coherent, I heard myself babbling: "So sorry, deputy, I have to pee."

Yes, it's true. I have no shame. And, I really did have to pee.

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

"I really, really have to pee and I'm almost home. I'm quite sure you have some paperwork to do and all, but if you could follow me home, I live just a mile from here, I'd be happy to help you with that paperwork, if you just let me pee first. Please."

{{Insert pleading brown eyes and a sweet, but desperate smile.}}

Thank the good Lord, the wee child in the back seat remained quiet.

The stars were aligned and all was well in the universe for that brief moment because the benevolent and kind peace officer winked at me, stepped away from the car, and instructed me to slow it down and have a nice evening.

With a huge smile, I quickly bit back the incredulous "No, Shit?!" formulating on my lips, put the vehicle in gear, and headed home.

Hang with me folks, the story isn't over yet.

Moments after we tore into the garage, I hopped out, abandoning the four-year-old for my urgent date with the porcelain. As I flew through the garage, I noticed the cat's litter box was empty, disassembled, and laying about the garage.

I made it two steps inside the house when the significance of THAT hit me.

If the litter box was empty and laying in the garage, what the heck had the cat been using inside.

Okay, now were we up to triple crap!

I continued into the bathroom where the litter box should have been to determine whether something had been substituted for the cat. Nope. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Well, hell. I couldn't go to the bathroom before I filled the litter box and returned it to its rightful place because any tinkling would certainly alert faithful cat to do his business.

I don't know, I call it bonding because I usually cannot enter the bathroom without faithful cat in tow. No matter what time I decide to take a bubble bath it is the exact moment he has to potty. Who knows, perhaps the smell of bubbles stimulates his bowels. All I know is that it is damned annoying.

Anyway, I really, really had to pee, but decided to forego that endeavor until after the litter box was secure.

Back out to the garage I scurried. I grabbed a liner, put it in the box, clamped down the top guard, and filled the damn thing with kitty litter.

A glance at the vehicle demonstrated the child was still in it. I tried to open her door to help her out, but she had locked the doors.

I advised her to open the doors and get out of the vehicle.

She defiantly informed me she was not going to get out.

Perilously close to rupturing my bladder and with eyes floating, I stepped up to the vehicle and peered in the tinted windows. As menacingly as I could possibly sound I advised: "Open this door NOW or when I rip it off its hinges I will hang you from the trees by your toes. DO.YOU.UNDERSTAND?!"

Click.

The door opened and a child emerged with hands covering her posterior.

Satisified with the result, I put it in high gear again, grabbed the now full litter box and ran inside.

I made it halfway through my bedroom before I tripped over one-half of a flip-flop combination, belonging to the wee child, no less, and down litter box and I went.

That stuff went everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE.

I had kitty litter in my freakin' hair and up my farookin' nose.

Only after multiple very deep breaths did I finally make it to pee.

Older daughter, the one responsible for the absence of the litter box from its rightful place of honor, later explained she had cleaned it as instructed and left it in the garage to dry, but had forgotten all about it.

For those who are wondering: Younger daughter is alive and well. Older daughter is also well and fine. Faithful cat is very much relieved.

As for me, I've traded in the word "crap" for much more colorful language.

So, how was your day?